An unconventional convention

A story of mystery, intrigue, drugs (taken by the author), famous CQN posters, Paul Le Guen, a washing basket, a two metre long bath, and some mystery guests, and most importantly of all CELTIC! 

The story to date.

Anjelina (that’s Anjelina as in Jolie by the way), due a to life-changing, heart enhancing oestrogen/testosterone pumping conjunction (as her eyes met mine in the Celtic Store in the High street opposite McHuills), has left Brad (as in Pitt) for Estadio (as in me)!

Sadly, but deservingly, the now newly-crowned laughing-stock of Hollywood (hope he isn’t a Tim or reads this by the way) can only mournfully while away his remaining years in whisky soaked despair, as he drags his emotionally scarred wreck of a body, shoulders heaving, greetin’ his wee beady multi-million pound baby blue eyes, tears running in furrows down his perfectly tanned but now sagging’ jowled shrunken megastar-haloed face and heid, around the now deathly silent 74 roomed, gold tapped, Olympic-pooled mansion in Beverly hills.

Hopelessly, even in the little piles of wafting dust or the pendant cobwebs, he sees her eyes and her face, her smile and her lips; even as the occasional ocean breeze gently flutters the light blue curtains with the ‘areffcee-ic’ sign of the devil, he can hear her gentle angelic strains as she used to softly sing in the privacy of her own chambre, the romantic words and plaintive lilting chords of “Hail Hail” and “We’re top o’ the league an’ they’re no-o-o-o”!

In his final desolation, Brad raises his now decomposing limbs and psyche to the evil one with whom he had made the Faustian pact all those years ago, and screams

‘Beelzebub, give me soul back, I don’t want to be one of the undead, I don’t want to be one of the PEEPUL…….. I WANT TO BE A TIM!’.

And then with his final expiring breath echoing and calling to the vision of all that is lovely, a Beatles song of all those years ago, Anjelina’s favourite he recalled, comes speeding back with the force of a Lisbon Lion in full flight, and the last thing he hears is her musical and prophetic magic as she sings just for him one final time:

‘You say hello, hello!
‘And I say goodbye, goodbye’……………..

Anjelina has of course realised that life with the man she truly loves is the only path to follow and in her grasping of the nettle, she vanquishes like a dismissive slap across the erse, the false and fruitless inadequacies of wealth, power, stardom, and celebrity!

She has now moved to Estadio’s studio apartment (with 2 metre swimming pool – or outdoor bath as it is more usually called) situated in the magnificently rolling traditional Spanish panorama that is Tenerife’s Playa De Las Americas.

But alas, all is not necessarily sweetness and light in the recently established seclusion of passion and love!

A dark cloud harbouring the sudden, drenching, emotion-destroying iciness of a battering hailstorm, has appeared on the far inland horizon, hovering like a pregnant colostomy, over the peak that is Mount Tiede!

As it moves remorselessly closer, it threatens to unload its postulant disgusting cargo onto Estadio’s knotted-handkerchief covered head!

Yes indeed, the spectre of infidelity has been heard laughing its ‘Dick Dastardly’ inspired, deep throated, Mutley cackle.

And as Estadio goes out for that thought-concentrating drink in his favourite traditional Spanish taverna, The Irish Fiddler home to Tenerife CSC No1, he struggles with the potential enormity of just who his rival for the sweet Anjelina’s Venus like charms and ministrations, might be!

Incredible as it may seem to the righteous and upstanding members of the internet community (which to be fair is exactly what Estadio wanted to be with Angelina) it seemed that this gigolo was likely to be a blogging acquaintance, a stalwart of this very forum, a man until now, of impeccable credentials, wit and erudition, now following the perfidious path to betrayal of Estadio and his dreams.

Furtively and almost guiltily Estadio had performed a quick but forensic review of posts since the collision of these two very special souls!!

The revelation was stark and final!

Condemned by his very own words – Step forward JOHNBHOY!

Anyway that’s the scene set!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The evening was approaching quickly, but the light of the day had not quite succumbed to the inevitable darkness as the sun in all its orbic magnificence began its descent behind the snow capped dormant volcano that stood in Karajan-majesty over the ashen landscape of the holiday paradise!

Anjelina, half, curled up on the settee in her figure hugging off-the shoulder crimplene green and white hooped top displaying the ample charms of her bared shoulders, which Estadio had found in his mother’s wardrobe (the top not the shoulders), casually switched between Celtic TV and the already set up, but extremely rare and valuable, betamax video of ‘Tony Cascarino’s 100 greatest moments for the hoops’ (plays for 7 and ½ minutes – similar to Tony as it happens), which he had bought in Paddy’s Market as they had rushed across to the Central Station to get the half-price train to Prestwick for the £9.99 flight to Tenerife, the previous week!

The patio door (there wasn’t room for two) was open and the multicoloured beads guarding the front entrance rattled every so slightly as the a gentle breeze drifted through the room and kept Anjelina cool enough to trigger an involuntary but gently meaningful sigh as she longed for the virile touch of Estadio, who she suddenly realised seemed to have been away for days!

She heard his approach before she saw him, as she recognised snatches of a wide variety of Celtic songs that Estadio had told her he had kindly translated into Spanish so that the locals could also enjoy their fine lyrics and revolutionary passion.

It was a strange dialect of Spanish!

She had only heard it on two previous occasions; once at around 11.30 pm in Sharkey’s and the other for just about all day every day in the Brazen Head where the masterful command of this language should really have been touted as a tourist attraction.

It was rumoured that pockets of the tongue could be found by the more adventurous in explorations of deepest Gallowgate, where Estadio had informed her that Glasgow’s fore-runner of Barcelona’s Las Ramblas – ‘the Barras’ – stood in commemoration of ‘La Quince Brigada’, which conveniently had also been translated into Gaelic/Gallic and was now known locally as ‘Bairds bar’!

Anyway the Catalan strains came to a sudden halt as the irregular but rapid steps rang out closely followed by the aggressive barking and dash of the inevitable dog down the path.

Estadio had told her it was a ‘weeshitebaw’.

Anjelina had remarked that the physical description of the dog suggested that it may be some sort of shitzu.

Estadio had said that that was close enough!

As he came through the door, the plaintive cry of the lovesick Romeo heralded his arrival

‘Hawanjelinaamhame’

This was immediately followed by

‘yabass’,

as he pushed against the door, forgetting it was just strings of beads, and skited across the floor like Robin Cousins on speed followed by a passable interpretation of Jane Torville being flung bolero-like across the ice, finally coming to a strategic halt at the fragrant manicured feet of his newly beloved.

Removing her left big toe from his ear and wiping away the wee dod of hairy wax, he decided that the best form of defence for disappearing for 5 days was to go on the attack!

‘Jist when wus the last time you washed your feet’?

Ignoring her quizzical look, he continued,

‘Listen my wee angeoplasty’; this was his affectionate term as he knew that it had something to do with the heart and after all she had gladdened his!

‘there are a couple of things that we need to talk about and get out of the way.’

He could see that Anjelina was looking at him with that misty-eyed broody look that he had witnessed in a warren of over-heated bunnies! But he wasn’t going to be easily diverted. There were important questions to be answered and the thoughts of tender caresses and hour upon hour of glowing rhapsodic rapture in the urgent but welcoming embrace of this lady that loved him and only him…… well it would just have to wait!

‘Firstly’ blurted Estadio

‘I’ve had it up to the ships gunnels with the sly looks, the whispered asides, and the mocking innuendo’.

‘Just what is going on between you and that JohnBhoy? He wasn’t round here was he during my wee drinks break?’

Anjelina looked down at her hero lying there on the tiles after having been out on the tiles for at least 4 days! Her questioning mystification of someone who obviously didn’t understand this strange Iberian dialect, and her smiling and most reassuring come-to-bed eyes seemed to immediately calm him down.

Estadio took this guilt free response as a positive sign that she in fact had not even heard of the scurrilous JohnBhoy, but that she would have much rather spent the evening watching a repeat of Deal-No Deal?

This gave him enough stability to both rise from the floor and even more importantly start using at least an approximation to understandable conversation.

Removing her clawing hands from his rippling torso, he continued

‘Now this one is even more important; so put on some shorts to match that top and come out onto the patio by the pool. I really need to explain why I believe that Paul Le Guen and even a massive investment at that place that we try not to talk about would be a great thing for Celtic.’

Anjelina slipped into her cut down hoopy jeans, pulling them up tightly with a bodily three point turn and a quick pull on the handbrake…I mean zip! and glided effortlessly behind ‘her man’ out onto their own little verandah!

As they sat opposite each other, Estadio looked at her with that earnest seriousness of the impending announcement of a fundamental alteration in the laws of the universe, and stated simply but clearly.

‘It all came to me so suddenly and so clearly, a few mornings ago as I stood at the bottom of the bed about to go for my shower.’

‘Look! Think washing basket and the way that I drop my boxers to my ankles, and depending on how the mood takes me, being two footed, I can flick the garments into the dead centre of the receptacle, all ready for whatever happens to them between entering that basket and reappearing a day or so later in the appropriate drawer.’

‘But my handsome, handsome darling!‘ said Anjelina, leaning forward in the gloaming, and placing her trembling hands on each of Estadio’s manly sculptured thighs.

‘I have only seen you missing the basket, and the boxers landing on the bed, on top of the wardrobe, or even on my face!’

‘Exactly’ retorted Estadio, realising that unless he took a quick dip now his racing mind would not be able to get to the dénouement of his theory.

He carefully lifted Anjelina’s exploring fingers from his frayed edges and with a sharp removal of his Celtic Cross emblazoned athlete’s vest he dived into the cool refreshing waters.

With a single mighty but almost casual stroke, he touched the far end of the pool and with one mighty bound of his honed calves he seated himself back beside Anjelina.

‘That’s the whole point, you see! You moved the basket slightly further away and I wasn’t used to the fresh challenge with which I was faced.’

‘I am however more than confident that with a little bit more training, an understanding of the problem being faced and most importantly by moving the washing basket to any where in the room unexpectedly, I can reach a degree of proficiency that will not only mean that I can take on any washing basket, home or away, but also unexpected and strangely shaped washing baskets anywhere in the civilised world.’

‘I tell you Anjelina, washing baskets everywhere will need to worry about me, and not vice versa.’

Anjelina looked on with a heady concotion of stunning admiration and adoring wonderment which to be honest must have verged on true idolisation.

‘And that is the whole point.’ Estadio resumed

‘You see, there is at the moment only one credible SPL winner and that is Celtic.

There are a couple of distant challengers in the form of Hearts and Hibs, and while I think that Hibs can and will improve further under Tony Mowbray, I can see nothing but a vanishing point of destruction if Vlad the impaler doesn’t get his head round the fact that power and authority must be wielded responsibly if real foundations for the future are to be laid down.

That responsible application of power is not evident in the turnover of 3 managers/coaches, one imaginary and one ostensible director of football, a complete team acquired during the transfer window, the loss of two significant directors and one crony all within the umbrella of an SFA investigation. I could go further but the situation at Hearts is laughable and far exceeds the mess that exists across this dear City.

And I haven’t even scratched the surface of the fact that irrespective of feelgood factor, their financial exposure is as bad as it has ever been!

The most worrying thing is that Hearts fans, the press, and the games administrators should be very disturbed about where this is all going; and guess what they are not!

Anyway, they are about to implode and that leaves a distant Hibs, an even more distant Rangers closely followed by admirable improvements at Killie, Motherwell, Inverness, and potentially Dundee United!

Competition for second place may therefore be interesting, but the championship will be over every March for the foreseeable future unless a credible challenge is created.

We need not only what is happening at Celtic but we need a consistent challenge coming from a number of areas, dealing with the unexpected, but having the foresight and talent to anticipate, improve, and overcome.

Just like me and my Laundry basket outlook, I have complete confidence in what is happening at Celtic, and the introduction wherever possible, even at them, of new ideas, new money, new confidence is exactly what we need to keep our culture of continuous improvement on the boil.

We have nothing to fear from anyone!

Weaknesses exposed will be resolved, strengths discovered will be built upon, barriers placed in our way will be overcome, and their attempts to surface from a sea of mediocre despond will be met only by the mighty foot of Celtic Warriors pushing down on their head and forcing them to look for calmer waters to once again work out a strategy of recovery!

Just as the expert (me) who can flick, toss, throw, chip, or head any sort of underpants into any sort of laundry basket in any hotel room in the world, so will Celtic face with confidence any team, with any money, any formation, and any set of individuals any where in that same world’

Estadio’s voice boomed across the now silent stony deserted hinterland, driving mangy dogs, darting lizards, and assorted lucky-lucky men for cover as he reached a crescendo with

‘So bring on Le Guen, bring on the money men, we want you here, we want you NOW!’

He stopped for breath and then gently enquired,

‘Anyway my fine boned temptress and passion, are you still keen on having children? Or would you rather go and watch Tony Cascarino’s video?’

Anjelina, drew in a deep breath and in that husky whisper of someone who knows exactly what side her bread is buttered upon she mouthed,

‘Oh yes. yes my incomparable hunk ! let’s try for the patter of tiny feet and let’s hope that it takes many many attempts until that day when we have to stop trying.’

‘Well let’s at least hope I score a bit more than Tony!’ mumbled Estadio.

He bent down and with his powerful arms around his Sweet Anjelina, he tipped her onto the ground and carried the sun-bed and the Henrik Larsson lilo indoors.

Anjelina admiring the tight little view as she limped behind her wee pot of gold, dutifully followed and as the blinds were shut, two giggles could be heard!

The first one was Anjelina’s giggle of surprise, delight and anticipation

The other was more sinister, as once again the night was broken by that Dick Dastardly’ inspired, deep throated, Mutley cackle.

A shadowy figure moved out of the bushes, silently removing the top from a weirdly shaped bottle he held gingerly in his left hand.

He emptied the contents into the bath, I mean swimming pool, looked around one last time, and then made off stealthily into the dark security of the Tenerifian night!

Perhaps JohnBhoy wasn’t finished yet!

TO BE CONTINUED

hail hail

Matt

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